Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]