Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd