Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Inside you there are two wolves

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same