Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
😂🍻
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.