Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
👾👾👾
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?