Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
just gave your address to some spiders
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
me opening up to someone
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?