Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.