Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
You Might Also Like
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
checking out some reviews of my local library
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Very problematic
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Make me look younger
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree