Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I get distracted pretty eas
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!