Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Single worst piece of software ever invented

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.