Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

seems fine

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.