Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing