Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
You Might Also Like
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?