Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.