Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see