Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Most Common Source of Electricity

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.