Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato