Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

This will never not be funny to me.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it