Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

is this how new cars are made??

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

🤫

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

The dark side of Canada

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”