Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

🔥🔥

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.