PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
You Might Also Like
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
