Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

trivia

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.