Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Perfection.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.