Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Its a hippotatomus

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still