Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.