Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
You Might Also Like
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Time heals everything 🙂
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I am patiently waiting for your email
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
