Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Already got one

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates