Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
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Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
#Caturday
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.