Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”