Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.