Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”