Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.