Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??