Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
my astrological sign is a french fry
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If only
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it