Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.