Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I don’t know what to do
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Never be a pizza!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Friday night party time 🥳
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*