Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah