[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee