[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.