Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore
*updates tinder bio*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.