“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship