Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
i just found this in my phone
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Thank you corporation very cool
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”