Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

#Thanos #MondayMood

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener