@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

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@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@Matt_the_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@AHappierDay

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

@RefractReality

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.