“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.