Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
set yourself free xox
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.