Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.