Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I laughed at this way too hard.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.