Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Actually cracking up @ this

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.