Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard