Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

What’s a Messi?

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.