Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
PARKOUR
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Things will get butter, keep churning
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.