Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

shit just got real

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

My life in a nutshell

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler