[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Cake!!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.