Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Human are so complicated

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Your secret is safeish with me

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.