Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

some things should go without saying

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding