STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Imagine if people still used typewriters!
We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
Damn, they’re getting desperate
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Hey boy, are you a nap? because I wanna have you all the time.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV