partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Is this a threat?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You better watch out
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Dear Lord..
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.