@TweetPotato314

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

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@VisionBored1

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

@Aaerios

Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@HeyoShellz

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV