partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”