partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.