Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.