Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I wish all tests were things you peed on

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Practicing safe sax

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”