Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are