[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.