Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

That was easy.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me