Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Smells like a challenge to me

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”