Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Wolves should really raise more people.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.