Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

just gave your address to some spiders

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus