[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?