[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Batman v Dracula
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.