Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Tastes like chicken.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..