Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

[adds another nod to the conversation]

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??