Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

when revenge coincides with naptime

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

No, YOUR illiterate.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.