Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.