Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.