Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

jesus christ confetti not now

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?