Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING